When I started I was one of three Black women in my department, which was reassuring. I have worked enough places to know how common it is to be the first and only Black woman in a department or even a company.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long. Both were gone not long after I was hired — one laid off, one fired. I made a note of it. I have learned to pay attention to red flags, and this wasn't my first time in a situation like this. In the past, it had always ended in heartbreak and disappointment. But, I wanted to believe this time would be different.

So I kept doing my best work and telling myself I didn't have enough information to draw any conclusions yet.

Not long after, more red flags appeared. 

I started being left off projects I should have been on. Not in an obvious way — the excuses were always different. One team forgot to loop me in. Another felt they could handle it without me. The inconsistency made it harder to address, which I suspect was not entirely accidental.

It’s frustrating to feel like I have to constantly make a case for my own inclusion. I have the expertise and I have the availability, so I should be included by default and without having to ask or defend the value I can add. 

Still, this was something I thought I could manage. 

But, things declined further when a new leader exhibiting obvious gender bias joined the company. I don't work for him directly, but he is the type of person who inserts his influence regardless of whether something is in his purview. This has created uncomfortable and hostile environments for myself and other women as he both speaks and acts in a way that is condescending towards us. 

Other women would bring up the way he treated them, but even they noticed that I was being treated worse. As the only Black woman, I can’t help but wonder if this is why he’s going out of his way to be hostile towards me.

For example, in one meeting, I spoke up to voice support for doing more of a particular task. His response was to immediately snap at me in front of everyone and ask: "Why don't you do it then?" I told him it wasn't part of my job responsibilities. 

Then I went off camera and cried.

Not because it was the worst thing that had happened, but because it was so blatant. There was no pretense. Just open hostility, in a meeting, in front of other people, and there was nothing I felt like I could do about it.

Despite the hostility, I tried to make the situation work. I kept showing up and delivering on my responsibilities, while actively avoiding the hostile leader as much as I could. 

Unfortunately, it began to feel like no matter what I did or how much I did right, he was going to find a way to make my job uncomfortable. For example, there was a project I should have been leading from the start, but I wasn't even initially included. I had to ask to be brought in, and because of the tension with this leader, I asked the assigned project lead to communicate my addition so I didn't have to interact with him directly.

It’s a ridiculous level of maneuvering to do the work I’m good at, but I was willing to do what was necessary to avoid conflict. 

Once I was on the project, I owned almost all of it. I completed the majority of the deliverables. I was, in every practical sense, leading it. But when something went sideways that technically fell to the official project lead, this leader went to my boss and complained that I was dropping the ball, even though I wasn't the project lead and had delivered more than anyone else on the project. Plus, I hadn’t dropped the ball. He and his manager kept giving us conflicting directions. The project lead was just as confused as I was and I went with the direction the project lead decided based on the information we had.

But even then, it wasn't until my recent performance review that I became certain I needed to do something to protect myself. I have no explanation for why my performance rating suddenly dropped significantly, except for one — this leader. Reviews are discussed in group settings among leaders and I suspect this boss complained about me and my boss, who is passive, didn’t push back or defend me. 

It’s impossible to know for sure, but I know my work hasn’t changed and the only thing that did was this leader. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t something I can just ignore either, as my company terminates employees who receive two negative performance reviews in a row. So on top of everything else, I am now operating in survival mode.

I've tried escalating to my boss multiple times, but she is very passive. Her advice is often to just wait and see how things play out. Which is why I'm certain she doesn't step up to defend me when this leader chooses to vocalize his complaints, warranted or not.

I've already taken FMLA due to the emotional strain of this and the culmination of a whole host of toxic experiences I’ve endured at this company. For now, my best option feels like continuing to apply for other jobs and hoping I find something new. I have been applying for a year, but haven't found anything yet.

In the meantime, I've been keeping documentation to make sure I have options if things get worse, and I keep showing up the best I can.

I still have my job for now, so the financial impact hasn't been substantial, yet. But, the personal toll has been real.

Every week I have to talk myself into going into work. Not because I'm not capable, not because I don't want to work, but because this leader and several other colleagues have made it unbearable for me.

Walking into a job you're good at and having to fight for basic inclusion, over and over, leaves a mark.

Document everything from the start, especially negative encounters. Don’t trust anyone completely while you still work together. Be discerning with what you share. I wish I was less open and trusting of my manager and I wish I hadn’t vented to certain colleagues. You never really know when someone will take what you’ve shared and use it to throw you under the bus. 

The stories in this series may have been lightly edited for clarity and format. All personal identifying information, including names, dates, roles and industries have been removed to protect privacy.